Somebody That You Used to Know

I'm trying to put into words how I feel, but I can't seem to find them. Which, let's be honest, thanks to our friend Topie, isn't that real difficult these days.  I know the words I would use to describe the past week or so would not be good words or happy words.

Frustrated.  That's a word.  Or frusterated as I always say to try and un-frustrate me.  I'm at the point of being so frustrated of having no firm answers of what is going on with me outside of a diagnosis that I'm reaching a breaking point.  The constant high pitched ringing in my ears - oh my god - I want to stab something in my ears so I can be deaf.  Or the fact that when I have my eyes open it feels like someone is pushing in on my eyeballs.  It hurts, especially when there is light, and I just want to sit in a dark room with my eyes closed all day every day.  I want to know which doctor I should be calling when something isn't feeling right and why the hell isn't it just one!?

And you know what would be nice, to hold up my neck and head all day without having to kind of manually think about it, or just not look at my desk at work like it's the fluffiest pillow in the world and I could just lay my head down for just one second.  Seriously I'd be like Dorothy in the poppies, sleeping in two seconds.  I bet my shoulders would feel fucking fantastic too.  To hell with it, I'm just done being vertical altogether.

I'm frustrated that the pain I'm feeling makes me want to be a total bitch to everyone and lash out at them.  "Seriously!?!  W-T-F are you thinking!?!"  Obviously I'm biting my tongue and not saying anything, it's not the fault of those around me that I feel the way I do.  But of course my Inner Bitch is in my head going, "why do you always have to be nice, why don't you speak up and say something once in awhile?"  The Inner Bitch should just be happy with the  'I don't give a fuck' moments I've let her have.

Can you imagine how frustrating it is to want to just stay up in bed, all curled up in pi's, maybe read a book or surf the internet, and gorge myself full on NCIS and Law & Order: SVU marathons on USA all but instead having to work and spend time with family and friends and a social life? And to know I'm supposed to want that but honestly I couldn't care less.  Except that I do care.  I want all of those things, I love my family and friends.  I enjoy being busy with a full social calendar and can't wait to add more to it.  Plus I started online classes to get my MSOL - which I'm super excited about, except it's only the second week into a 50 week program and I'm losing my motivation already.  Not my motivation but...

To think a full thought.

I've crashed and hit the bottom folks.  This is what my depression is and what it looks like.  Ok, well this is no where really near my bottom, but it's the first real low I've had in awhile. I keep trying to focus on Dr. S words from our last session, to focus on the positives, and goodness my blessings are so many I feel ungrateful for feeling bad about how I feel.  Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty and that doesn't make me feel any better.  Ugh.

Harlee would tell me I would need to talk to someone about how I feel.  I'm pretty sure all I do anymore is talk to people about my stupid fake tumor that they are sick of hearing about it.  I don't want to bother anyone.  Its not like anything will change.  My NO appointment will still be 17 days away.  I will still be in pain and frustrated about it.  Maybe just getting all of this out into the vast cosmos that is the interwebs will help somehow.

I just wanted to be honest one time.