Do You Hear What I Hear?

I  am going to describe something and then I want you to close your eyes and and imagine it.  Got it? OK.

You are hearing of a bit of a humming or vibrating sound, maybe as if there is an appliance running somewhere.  On top of that you will hear a high pitched sound - a timer or an alarm going off perhaps.  Then occasionally you'll hear a whooshing sound matching time with your heart beat (or you'll hear the bass of your heart beat).

Now close your eyes and imagine hearing those sounds for about thirty seconds.  Go ahead, close them.  

This is what I hear every moment of every day.  Having this noise in my head makes it incredibly difficult to concentrate let alone hear when someone is talking to me. My poor coworkers call my name to get my attention and I can never hear them.  

They call this Pulse-Synchronous Tinnitus and its one of the major symptoms of Fake Tumors.  I know I am missing so much of what is going on around me because I can't hear.  The worst is at work.  I am missing out getting to know my coworkers better.  These amazing people are sharing stories about what is going on in their in lives and I can't hear half of it.  I don't want to ask them to repeat themselves several time just so I can hear the story or to speak up so half the floor knows their business.  

No, either I nod politely or continue working and do not participate, coming off as I don't care or I am too good for them.  

Sometimes, when I hear something I have to pause and run the sound through my head again, to play Real Sound? or Fake Sound? game.  

Real sound, fake sound, it's so funny how one can take advantage of something and then when it's gone, crave it.  For me, that is silence.  I never appreciated silence.  I slept with music playing, tv was on or I needed to be wherever there was people and noise.  Even if it was the sound of my Dad snoring (that was the main reason I needed music to sleep LOL), and of course I had a playlist for studying.  Walkmans.  Discmans.  iPods. I don't think I could tell you at any point in my past where I willingly spent any significant time in silence.  

What I wouldn't give for a few minutes of silence.  Clean, crisp silence.    No noise.  Just me and the thoughts in my head.  

Words I thought I'd never hear.